Bill the hairdresser called to tell us the dream was shattered. His wife had left him. She said it was the hogs.

Because Jason is too nice, we went to Bill’s Sunday morning to retrieve the hogs he said he would purchase from Bill. A last ditch effort to tempt his wife to return, perhaps? At any rate, at least we had the good sense to take a few panels with us. Bill made an attempt at calling the pigs…by name…to hop in the trailer like some kind of trained circus pigs. It may have worked had the bluebutt not been in the bunch.

The bluebutt (referred to only as such because I can neither remember, nor do I care to remember her name) jumped in the trailer only long enough for me to look away for a nanosecond. That was apparently plenty of time for her to make a dash for the exit. Gentle readers, Sunday was not the first time I have been but a speed bump on the road to glory and freedom for a renegade sow, nor will it be the last. However, it was Mother’s Day and I had no intention of losing any teeth so I did manage to get my face out of the path of both sow and panel.

With minimal cursing, because it was, after all, Mother’s Day, we managed to get Bill out of the way for just long enough to crowd the four hogs into the trailer and slam the door.

Once we unloaded them at home, I was able to appreciate just how buxom and curvaceous they truly are. They had wintered well and that is the nicest thing I can say about them. They remind me of the old watercolor folk art of hogs I would have referred to as “chuffy” back in my judging days. I had the opportunity to repeatedly admire them as I chased them off their path to the highway for the remainder of Sunday.

Monday morning started with our neighbor admiring our yard art out by the highway. When the art moved, she called me to tell me that the two ugliest hogs she had ever laid eyes upon were headed to the road. We have pens and fences but the draw for the bluebutt and her bullied friend to show off their physiques to passersby is apparently far too great to ignore.

Hopefully no one thinks we raised these pigs.